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Who wants to help me burn the entire UPS to the fucking ground in a blaze of unrestrained violent glory
- Day one. Arrive home to a UPS notice on the ground, face-down in the flower bed. "Sorry we missed you!". My first name is scrawled across the top. Half of today's date is in the "delivered to" section. Location name? "Pay cod en line".
- Day two. Arrive home to a new UPS notice. My first name is, again, scribbled across the top outside of any box. It is spelled wrong and smeared in a way that, from a distance, looks like it says "Vagina". This time, it is in what appears to be bright purple gel pen. In a box below, "this was our final attempt"
- Google UPS offices near me. The closest one us 2 hours by bus, 1 hour by car. One way.
- Attempt to phone the number circles in pencil on my invoice. It is closed. Also in a different time zone.
- Attempt to pay bill online. It prompts me to create an account. I do so.
- To pay my bill, I must fill in my information from my invoice. This goes well, until it asks me for my "optional 4-digit control number".
- The control number is said to be optional. I proceed without it and click "next".
- Error: please enter 4-digit control number.
- Maybe I read the invoice wrong. I read it again. Three times.
- No.
- There are no 4-digit numbers.
- There are no mixed number-and-letter sequences in multiples of 4.
- I check the other papers.
- Bar code has the same 4-digit sequences on both.
- Enter that.
- Error: the information you have entered is incorrect.
- Check website for how to read their invoices, because obviously I'm missing something obvious. No. There are no answers.
- Google "UPS invoice". Only result for a UPS invoice that looks anything remotely like mine is from a registered complaint listed 4 years ago, photo taken on a cell phone and posted to reddit.
- Read that invoice.
- There is no 4-digit control number.
- Punch desk.
- Return to UPS online. Find an option for paying my bill that does not ask me for a 4-difit anything.
- Error: the information you have entered is incorrect.
- Check for typos.
- No typos.
- Information is exactly as I entered it the first time, when everything was accurate.
- Punch desk.
- Second Google dive. No new information. Dead ends everywhere.
- Read invoice again.
- Nothing.
- Attempt to enter information online again.
- Window has timed-out. Have to start over.
- Error: information is incorrect.
- Sent back to page 1.
- Start again.
- Error.
- Automatic page refresh.
- Back to page 1.
- Start again.
- Error.
- Automatic page refresh.
- Punch desk again.
- Punch desk again.
- Punch desk again.
- Hand hurts.
- Enter information.
- Pop-up.
- "Would you like to rate your experience with us today? How did you find your billing experience?"
- 0/5. 'Extremely difficult'.
- "Tell us how we can improve our service!"
- Stare blankly at screen.
- "I have been punching my desk for thirty minutes. I dont know what to say. My fear of being a shitty customer has been outstripped by my despair. This has broken me as a man."
- Check clock.
- It has been two hours.
- I have spent two hours trying desperately to give someone my money.
- I don't even know where my package is.
- I can't even talk to a person about it for another nine hours.
- Sit on the floor.
- Remember groceries.
- Frozen pierogi fucking thawed in my fucking backpack
- My fucking pierogi
- Soothe bruised knuckles with wet bag of pierog
- Tumblr
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